Hey Ladies,
I posted earlier about struggling to get through this pregnancy while trying to cut emotional ties with the father. Thank you all so much for your comments, I can't even begin to tell you how much strength they've given me... even in a time as short as 24 hours 
But now i pose another question.. He told me that his mother would more than likely want to be a part of her grandchild's life (his father wasn't there either) but he doesn't want me to tell her because he doesn't want to consider this is first born (Asshole I know!)
I feel that she should be given the opportunity to be in her grandchild's life if she chooses, but do you think this would be hard on the child to have it's Grandmother there, when the father isn't? Or do you feel I should not tell her and just be done with that part of the baby's family.
My concern is that the father is black, and sooner or later, it is going to realize that it isn't the same as everyone in my family, so would it be good for him/her to have a Grandmother of the same color to help her feel like she belongs, or help her understand why her skin is darker? I'm just so confused on the whole thing honestly don't even know if a child would look at it that way.
I'd love to hear what other people think!!
Thanks!
Posted 8/7/08
I have found in MY personal experience that deadbeats fall right under the apple tree (if you catch my drift). They are usually spoiled and have mothers with the "not my Johnny" syndrome who will bail them out of everything. They have never been left to deal with the repercussions of their actions, so therefore do not know the meaning of the word responsibility.
My SD is a compulsive liar and an expert at shifting blame. I mean, the kind who would do something wrong, I would approach him, and by the end of the argument I was left wondering WTF "I" did! His mother laughed and said "I knew I would have to apologize to some woman about this one day." HAHAHA BEYOTCH, glad you think a fatherless child is funny.
I tried to be open and let them in her life. EVEN AFTER A 3 YEAR ABSENSE, when they finally reached out, I let them in for the sake of my daughter having her family. Especially being that the only family she knows is white and it is important she be connected with her other heritage,
All I have gotten from them is excuses. They have picked her up like twice, even though that have made plans numerous times. His sister told me that she is sorry but they have been having hard times yada yada yada... My response was family is family regardless and she should not have been shut out like that.
I think if he was an upstanding man, he would have an upstanding family. But he is a loser. Dont open up pandora's Box, you might not like what you find. Many will defend their sons and end up hating you "you whore, you trapped him."
My daughter is also a first born and will NEVER be considered his first born in his heart because he missed everything. One day he will go on to marry, have kids, and know what it's like to truly love someone as a father does. And I hate that my child gets the short end of the stick, but we cannot control them or their families.
As far as the little bean's heritage goes, there are many ways to keep in touch with it. In my area they offer African dance, there is an African art museum. There are plenty of books. Have her around positive black friends. DO NOT LET THESE PEOPLE IN HER LIFE WHO WILL DO MORE HARM THAN GOOD just for XYZ sake. Check them out first,
I accidently told SD's family. he had told me he all ready told them. One day his grandmother and cousin came over to visit and I was so excited to have my first ultrasound picture I was showing it off to them. THEY HAD NO CLUE. It never would have been a secret as his grandmother lived 2 doors down from me, but apparently he wasnt ready to deal with the fact he was going to be a father. Shit she is 4.5 and he still isnt.
IF you do involve them, the first thing I would do is get a paternity test. I was SO against it and let me tell you they tried so hard to use it as leverage over his head MANY times. "What does she have to hide??" Just do it and get it out of the way. It's a shitty feeling but atleast you dont have to deal with their mouths about the unknown.
What you said def makes sense, and I've heard numerous other people say it as well. The reason I'm questioning is because, his sister had twins with no father, and his mother helped her..then again it was her own child, but she kicked him out of the house because she didn't agree with his life style. They don't have the best relationship and he told me she got mad at him for having an abortion with his previous girlfriend..So how would you look at that? Still give her the option, or just forget about it
My mom and I talked, and I want Brian's famly to know about my baby even if he isn't ready for him. I gave him 2 weeks to tell them, and if he hasn't doen it i am going to. I know I need help, and I have faith that a baby will always be a blessing in a family even if they don't expect it.... so now you have opinions from both sides of the fence :-)
Wow...these stories are hitting close to home today. I was in the same situation and I called my daughter's grandmother when she was born and told her that she was here and if she wanted to meet her she could but she never showed up. My daughter's father told his mother that he didn't know if the baby was his or not and even after the paternity test has proven that she is his daughter, I am pretty sure his mother doesn't know the truth. I left it alone because I didn't want to cause anymore drama in my life. Yea I am pissed because he packed up all of his stuff and moved in with some chick and he is ordered to pay child support in September but who knows if he is going to pay it. I don't even know where he lives. It sucks...Man it just sucks. I hate that anyone else even has to be dealing with this same BS!!! I'm sorry to put it this way but BLACK MEN SUCK!! Yes I am black and I am so disgusted with my race right now....IDIOTS!!!
If you have a support system that is there for you leave the BS where it is. Once you have the baby, file the paperwork for child support and let the state deal with him. He isn't worth it. They will do the paternity test and when you have it in black and white you can let his people know. By then you may not even want to deal with it anymore...just give it some time.
I agree with the others. Everyone I know who has reached out to SD's family has regreted it in the end because as pp mentioned - he will always be her son.
Does his mother deserve to know, yes. Would she want to know, most likely. But, it's not your place to tell them IMO. Chances are - they are going to find out without you having to mention it anyway. Especially if there is a paternity test and child support case.
BLACK MEN SUCK!!
AMEN to that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WTF? Have you ladies lost your damn minds? THOSE MEN you are dealing with suck, not ALL men,and not ALL black men! What about all the other single mothers on this board, whose men aren't black? It is truly IGNORANT to generalize all men based on your experiences with a non-significant sample size, no INTELLIGENT person would ever let some bullshit like that fly out of their mouth!
Hi,
My experience is not exactly the same situation but I did have issues with my sons father telling his Mother. When I was 4 months pregnant I found out that my then bf had a girlfriend that had a 6 month old son. Which meant she was 7 months pregnant when he met me. To make a long story short, he didn't want to tell his Parents because he was scared of their reaction. I had been stressed my entire pregnancy with a stupid love triangle and felt so angry that I wanted to tell his Parents. I had their contact information and everything. I waited it out, and said that if he doesn't tell them I would eventually. I feel that a Fathers absence or presence in a childs life has nothing to do with his extended family. Not in all cases would his family be as horrible as he is. So you have to give the family the benefit of the doubt. I think that if he really doesn't want to tell his Mother, then eventually you should. Your child and his grandparents have the right to know eachother.
I myself was taken away from my Fathers and his family at a young age. I never knew my father and that side of the family. when i was 21 they found me, and I have been super close to them ever since. If I coulda chosen that for myself I would have wanted to always have contact with my dad and his family. Unfortunately, my father passed away before I could be reunited with him. SO for me Family is a hugeeeeeee deal to me. And that is why I wanted my son to know his grandparents. Eventually his father did finally tell his parents and when he was 4 months old they met him.
My son is also mixed. I am puerto rican/white and his dad is puerto rican/black. I think it is very important for me to instill all of his heritages but also that he has interaction w/that family.
I hope you make it through it. And i think that everything always works itself out.
Sorry for being such a lengthy response.
Excuse me for speaking my mind! I was speaking from my situation and I did say that I was sorry for putting it that way. Maybe you should go back and read my post before jumping down my throat. Not all black men suck, I am not stupid by any means. I am an educated black woman who is tired of my race. Can I justify my feelings with statistical documentation YES I CAN!
This is not just a race thing, this is a generational thing. We can debate on here for ever about this. The truth of the matter is that MEN in GENERAL are not the same as they used to be. The values are not there. CASE CLOSED!!!
Can I justify my feelings with statistical documentation YES I CAN!
ITA. I am free to voice my opionions and frustrations with black men.
Sorry for your thread getting off topic OP....
Excuse me for speaking my mind! I was speaking from my situation and I did say that I was sorry for putting it that way. Maybe you should go back and read my post before jumping down my throat. Not all black men suck, I am not stupid by any means.
No, you were NOT just speaking of yours situation when you make a statement like that, sorry to tell you. If you were, your post would have read "Black men I have dealt with suck", or really, it wouldn't have mentioned race at all. If you really think it is just a generational thing, you would have said "men these days suck", still a generalization, but it wouldn't have mentioned race. You said what you meant, don't try to clean it up now. If you are educated as you say, then ACT LIKE IT, and don't embarass yourself with bullshit like that coming from you! Do yourself a favor and delete/edit your post!
Can I justify my feelings with statistical documentation YES I CAN!
Go ahead then, I dare you. Show unequivocal proof that BLACK MEN suck (at what? really?)! You obviously have no idea how badly you have embarassed yourself and your race, shame on you, for saying something like that at all, let alone here, in MIXED company! Report me all you want, I would want to be kicked out of a board where this kinda shit is condoned!
This is a public site and I am entitled to my opinion. I will not delete/edit my post. That is my personal opinion and I am standing by it. If it offended YOU do me a favor and don't read it. THANK YOU AND HAVE A GREAT DAY
ITA. I am free to voice my opionions and frustrations with black men.
Sorry for your thread getting off topic OP....
You should have apologized to the OP long before I posted. The topic was NEVER about how you and that other girl feel about BLACK MEN, so you two are the one's who took it there.
That is my personal opinion and I am standing by it
No, you are not standing by it, you completely backpeddled on it after I called you out! You totally tried to sugarcoat it, clean it up, change it up to mean something else when you posted this:
Not all black men suck, I am not stupid by any means. I am an educated black woman who is tired of my race. Can I justify my feelings with statistical documentation YES I CAN! This is not just a race thing, this is a generational thing. We can debate on here for ever about this. The truth of the matter is that MEN in GENERAL are not the same as they used to be. The values are not there
You can't have it both ways, sweetie. Either you think ALL BLACK MEN SUCK, or you don't.
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