Friday, October 24, 2008

Abortion drama

    • My BFF had an abortion (medical reasons) on wednesday :(



  • Tya72

and I was supposed to go visit her on Saturday and my YDS is super sick and we won't be able to go.sad

Now, I have to call her and back out when she needs me the most. I feel like such a loser but I don't think it's a good idea to bring a sick toddler to visit someone who also has a toddler and who has had a second trimester abortion.sad

Does anyone know the recovery time for one? She terminated because they found out the baby had Down Syndrome and they decided it was the best option. She was at 17 weeks.

I don't want to ask her too many questions because I think it might be insensitive of me.

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Linda,

Matthew 04/27/00 and Rowan 06/04/06

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  • KatieP1025
I'm so sorry for your friend. It must have been a very dificult decision.

There really isn't much you can say except that you will be there for her.
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  • ryanandmattsmommy

I'm afraid you may be opening a can of worms. Having a son with a chromosome disorder I can easily say that an abortion is not the "best" option.

That being said, you are a good friend and I think you just need to lend an ear and potentially provide her with meals etc.

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  • ~*PinkEllie*~
I'm really sorry for your friend. My sister went thru something similar (different circumstances) and it was devestating.

One word of advice. Do not ever let your friend hear you refer to this as an abortion. She terminated for medical reasons.
Check out my DOUGHY DELITZ!

Edited 11:22 AM by ~*PinkEllie*~
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  • Lemony

Just explain to her what you told us - that your son is sick but you really want to be there for her, so if she thinks of anything she needs to let you know.

Maybe order some flowers to be delivered to her house or something, so she knows you're thinking of her.
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  • LittleOsa
I'm sorry for your friend and you and my advice would be to call her and explain. I'm sure she wouldn't want you around her if your kid is sick. She has a toddler too, she's been there before. You can always comfort her from afar.

However, you thew out a lot of hot button words in your post and I think you might just be trolling for flames. I could be wrong, but my gut tells me so.

Carrie

~ It may look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. Lilypie Breastfeeding TickerLilypie 4th Birthday Ticker
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  • Ray'sMommy
All you can do is lend an ear. I am sure she'll understand. If she says she wants to see you, and she doesn't care that your ds is sick, I'd try and go. But that's just me happy

I'm sorry for what she's going through. I can't even imagine being in her shoes.







And put on your flameproof suit... I would not have posted details about why she aborted, because you know how people are on this board.


~ Joe The Plumber - Working 10-12 hours/day, 7 days/week
Not your Average Joe-Six Pack!!
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  • MonkeysMama0301
I am sure this thread will be disappearing soon.

To answer the exact question you posed, can you get someone to watch your child so you can go over? I think this sitiation calls for a sitter, if at all possible. I sat one evening w/ a coworker who had done this because she already had a severely handicapped dd and 2 other children, was a single parent (her dh bailed on her) and just couldn't deal w/ another. I didn't let my opinion of abortion interfere w/ trying to be there for her, it was a done deal and she was a mess. Right now your friend needs you and you need to be there, move heaven and earth to get someone to keep your child and go.

Susie
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  • NoNatReamom
I think she will be understanding if you just tell her your kid is sick, esp. since she also has a toddler. Ask to re-schedule or take dinner to her tonight when your husband is home to watch your child.

  • Sweaty Cheese

However, you thew out a lot of hot button words in your post and I think you might just be trolling for flames. I could be wrong, but my gut tells me so.

That was my impression, too.

But, anyway, I would just call her, explain, and let her know you're thinking of her and will visit as soon as he's better. She's probably going through such a huge range of emotions, so less is best, imo. Let her know she can call you anytime she needs to.

Sweaty
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  • Tya72

OP, here.

Thanks for the advice so far ladies.

I want it noted that the wording best option was how her and her SO feel about it. It was in no way said to be inflamatory. If I wanted to be inflamatory I would have said something like the most sensible option etc. Which is NOT how I feel, just giving an example of what inflamatory is.

It was in no way an easy decision for them to make. She has been in tears since they found out last week.

I will be sending her some flowers. I am especially sad for her because she will not be trying to have another child after this.She doesn't want to take the chance that she may have to make the same decision again.

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Linda,

Matthew 04/27/00 and Rowan 06/04/06

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  • Ray'sMommy
I don't get why people think you're being a troll...

Anyway, very sad situation. I think you're a great friend!


~ Joe The Plumber - Working 10-12 hours/day, 7 days/week
Not your Average Joe-Six Pack!!
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  • doodledoos

I had a 2nd trimester D&C (same procedure as an abortion or medical termination). My child had already passed, though.

I think you should try to find a sitter. If she's your best friend, and she's going thru one of the most difficult things in her life, then you should do everything possible to be there for her.

if that is no way possible then I would send flowers and/or have a meal brought to her house by a delivery or even just pick up dinner and drop it by to her, give her a hug, leave your sick kid in the car while you run the stuff to her door.

As for the recovery, I had some soreness for a day or two, mild/moderate cramping for about a week afterward, bleeding for something like 6-8 weeks, and emotional scars that still have not fully healed.

Doodles


Edited 12:04 PM by doodledoos
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  • Florinna

I think some of us are suspicious of this because of OP including the detail that her friend had an abortion because the baby had down syndrome. That is a VERY hot topic around here and anyone who has pent 5 minutes on the BHB can figure that out.

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  • kayjaybe

Can't your child stay home with your spouse/partner?

If he works that day, maybe you can go on Sunday, or Saturday evening, or some other time very close to now. I'm sure your friend would love all the support she can get.

Karen
& Julia 3/02
& Kristen 7/04

Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart walking around outside your body.
~ Elizabeth Stone

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  • girliemomX3

She terminated because they found out the baby had Down Syndrome and they decided it was the best option. She was at 17 weeks.

This is not considered terminating for medical reasons.

You have got to be a troll.

Did they do an amnio? How did they even know the baby had Downs at 17 weeks?

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  • mi*vida*loca

She's not a troll. She's been on this board for forever.

Anyway I believe the healing process (physically) would depend on what procedure they actually did. 4-6 weeks.

Wait until you have a sitter adn then go.

Good luck!


Nikki

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  • hahawillis
I have seen this poster before and I don't think she is trolling, though I do agree this is quite the controversial subject.
Find a sitter and bring your friend some dinner.
I apologize to anyone who might be offended in any way by this post.

Edited 12:26 PM by hahawillis
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  • abby&maddie

She terminated because they found out the baby had Down Syndrome and they decided it was the best option. She was at 17 weeks.

This is not considered terminating for medical reasons.

You have got to be a troll.

Did they do an amnio? How did they even know the baby had Downs at 17 weeks?

^^^^^^^^^ I was thinking the exact same thing ^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok, I am going to say it... I am very sorry that they had to make a decision like that. BUT, my heart is broken for that poor baby. Maybe it is PMS, or the fact that I just watched The Other Sister...but, I am so sad for him/her. I can never imagine how they must be feeling and how they are able to come up with a decision like that.

~Michele

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  • Jenmeme
that is considered termination for medical reasons. Down's Syndrome children can have lots of problems outside of developmental delays. They can have heart problems, vision problems, etc. etc. I don't know all of it, but I remember reading about other people's decisions to term for medical reasons when I was going through my own (I tx'ed for an NTD) and some DS babies had heart defects which played a factor in the parents decision.
If this is a troll, I have some pretty strong words for you, becasue this is not something you need to play around with. It has been almost two years since I terminated and there are some serious emotional wounds I have that will never heal, and BS like this doesn't help.
Jen
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  • KatieP1025
Did they do an amnio? How did they even know the baby had Downs at 17 weeks?

They test now at 13 weeks with an ultrasound and a blood test. We had it done with DD but declined with the twins.
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  • Sweaty Cheese
She is definitely not a troll - I see her posts all the time.
Sweaty
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  • girliemomX3

that is considered termination for medical reasons. Down's Syndrome children can have lots of problems outside of developmental delays. They can have heart problems, vision problems, etc. etc. I don't know all of it,

Or, they could be perfectly healthy, aside from develpomental delays.

This infuriates me.

Would terminating if the baby was thought to have Autism be OK???

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  • Nat0117

Just be honest, OP. If she's your best friend, she'll understand. If she and her husband believe that this is the best option, perhaps they can find comfort in that and you should remind her of it.

And just to reiterate, OP said this was the best option for THE COUPLE. No on here can decide what the best option for another mother and father is. This is not about someone else's choice or child. This is about the couple who made the choice they felt was right for them and it doesn't make a comment on another mother made a different choice. It doesn't make your child any less important or special.


Edited 12:35 PM by Nat0117
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  • consmom01
Nope she is not a troll. If she is she sure is persistent. Shes been on my birth board forever as a regular poster (June 06). I can understand why this might be a hot button- but she wasnt arguing her viewpoint on the subject matter- just that she was upset she couldnt be there for her friend when she needs her most.
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  • LivBaby26

For your situation I think you should find a sitter and be there for her.

If it was MY situation I would send flowers and then probably not continue the friendship. I don't have a child with DS but I do have a child with special needs and I can't even imagine. We didn't have any of those tests done with either child b/c I believe God has a plan for every baby.

That being said I do understand for some this would be the only option but I think that is rare.

Sorry you and her are going through such a tough time right now.

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  • KatieP1025
I was reading that 95% of DS pregnancies are terminated every year. It is not uncommon and it doesn't make it any less heartbreaking of a decision to make.


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  • KatieP1025

Or, they could be perfectly healthy, aside from develpomental delays.

This infuriates me.

Would terminating if the baby was thought to have Autism be OK???



This is a personal decision that is not your's to make.
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  • Florinna

Unfortunately, if there was a test for Autism that could be done in utero, yeah, people probably would think it would be ok to term for that reason.

Also - the triple serum screen can be done that early. My question is, are the tests now proof positive of the condition, or is it the same as it was 4 years ago when I was pregnant and it's a test that shows a higher POSSIBILITY?

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  • Nat0117
People terminate these days because they are unhappy with the sex of the baby. That doesn't mean that a couple who terminates a girl because they wanted a boy makes my DD or females in general any less worthy. It's someone else and has no reflection on my life or choices.

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  • KatieP1025
My question is, are the tests now proof positive of the condition, or is it the same as it was 4 years ago when I was pregnant and it's a test that shows a higher POSSIBILITY?

I was told that the new test is pretty accurate but the doctors do recommend that you go in for further testing if you get a positive.
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  • Ray'sMommy
If it was MY situation I would send flowers and then probably not continue the friendship.

WOW! Nice friend.

We didn't have any of those tests done with either child b/c I believe God has a plan for every baby.

Maybe God's plan for that baby was to force the mother to make a really tough decision, in preparation for another tough decision/situation somewhere down the line.

I am not a religious person, but it doesn't seem very Jesus like to judge a friend for making a very hard decision, and then dump them.


~ Joe The Plumber - Working 10-12 hours/day, 7 days/week
Not your Average Joe-Six Pack!!
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  • 4girls1ocky1ollie

She could have had a CVS at 10-12 weeks or her quad screen came back weird and they did an amnio. They may have rushed it because they new she would have tx'ed.

Op I probably would have said TX'ed or D&C. They A word opens a can of worms.

Jaime

mom to: Cloe(^I^) 11, Zoey 10, Piper 7, Oscar 5, Scout Phoebe 2 +

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  • Nat0117

"I am not a religious person, but it doesn't seem very Jesus like to judge a friend for making a very hard decision, and then dump them"

If you want to marry me, just ask. No need to try and entice me with awesomeness.

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  • Tya72

This is not considered terminating for medical reasons.

You have got to be a troll.

Did they do an amnio? How did they even know the baby had Downs at 17 weeks

OP here.

Yes she did have an amnio. She did all the same tests with her ODD expect the amnio.

With this baby, nuchal fold was good. Blood tests came back with a 1 in 26 chance. They decided to do the amnio and found out then. I was even asking her if she could go get a second opinion but apparently it is something like 99.5% accurate.

I am not a troll by the way and thanks to people who do recognize that. I started this post because I don't have any IRL friends other than my BFF and obviously I can't talk to her about this. I do feel like cr@p about it.

BTW, she has a friend nearby (I live about 100 miles away from her) who has a child with special needs who has completely turned her back on her just because she was doing the tests to find out. I feel sad that our other friend couldn't support her in her time of need but I guess it's understandable.

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Linda,

Matthew 04/27/00 and Rowan 06/04/06

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  • *CAT*

Also - the triple serum screen can be done that early. My question is, are the tests now proof positive of the condition, or is it the same as it was 4 years ago when I was pregnant and it's a test that shows a higher POSSIBILITY?

No, TSS is not proof positive. It's just a screening test.

I had an appointment with a geneticist at 12 weeks for an ultrasound to check the width of the twins nuchal space. My OB made me see the geneticist, but once I was there I declined the US. The geneticist said if the space was widened, they'd start running a battery of tests, culminating with a CVS and/or amnio for a definitive diagnosis. We've declined all genetic testing because it simply doesn't matter. I'm having the twins regardless.

My OB sends everyone carrying multiples or over 35 for this screen. Yes, it's quite plausible to know at 17 weeks if you are carrying a DS child.

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  • MomToCuteKids
cry


Since her BFF isn't here to "defend" herself, not that she needs to to any of us, think we should help the OP.

OP, if you can go when your DH gets home, I think that would be good. You are a good friend.

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  • jada'smomma

And just to reiterate, OP said this was the best option for THE COUPLE. No on here can decide what the best option for another mother and father is. This is not about someone else's choice or child. This is about the couple who made the choice they felt was right for them and it doesn't make a comment on another mother made a different choice. It doesn't make your child any less important or special.

ITA! No one knows the circumstances this family is facing so no one knows the real reason this choice was made, but it was made and I am sure it was the best one for their family. Thank God I have never been faced with this situation and sure I can post a million times what I would or wouldn't do but until I have walked a mile in her shoes, I don't think there is much I can say about it.

Op - I know you are not a troll and I am very sorry for your friends. If you can find a sitter I would, call her and let her know your son is not feeling well; she has a child she will understand. But I would make it a point to visit her within the next couple of days. I would cook her a meal and bring her a basket of pampering goodies, she needs it I'm sure.

Jamie

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  • abby&maddie

Do or Did they know the extent of the DS? I mean...was it sever to give the baby heart, eye, lung problems? Is that something they can see on on a 3D U/S?

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  • Jenmeme
OP, I never answered your question....wine and chocolates basket is what I recomend. I got a pampering basket, and yes it was nice, but you can't use the bubble bath and stuff until after your checkup up which is 3-6 weeks later.
Jen
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  • momto2Es
OP, I'd either find someone to watch my sick toddler or wait until he was feeling better to go visit. I'd definitely let her know you are there if she needs to talk. You're a great friend for sticking by her!

Suzi - SAHM/Child Passenger Safety Tech
Emmit - 3.19.04
Evangeline "Evie" - 2.28.06
e3 - edd 1.25.09

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  • mi*vida*loca

If someone turns their back on a "friend" over a very personal life decision then they weren't your REAL friend to begin with.

So that so called friend who turned her back on her......she's better off without her!


Nikki

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  • 235mommy*

PP, no, they cannot tell the extent of the disabilities that the baby would have.

Many of you people are the reason that termination for medical reasons is so hard to talk about. The judging. I know this is the BHB and all, but this person, who is a stranger to all of you, made a very difficult decision, which had nothing to do with you, but you're all up in arms second-guessing her. Disgusting, if you ask me. Which, I realize, nobody did.

OP, I think you should call her, let her know your DC is sick, and then get yourself over there as soon as you can. Find a sitter, have your DH watch your DC, whatever. Now that you see what people are like in the "real world," you can see how much she is going to need a true friend at her side.

Andrea - Mom to 6!

Three who run - Two who soar - One on the way

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  • abby&maddie

Thanks. I really was just curious. I feel terrible for everyone involved. I pray I never have to make a decision like that. :(

~Michele

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  • Nick&Eliana'sMommy
People terminate these days because they are unhappy with the sex of the baby. That doesn't mean that a couple who terminates a girl because they wanted a boy makes my DD or females in general any less worthy. It's someone else and has no reflection on my life or choices.

And what state is this legal in? The fetus's sex organs don't develop until the 11-12 week mark and more than 50% of all abortions performed in the US are done at less than 8 weeks gestation. Do people really think that women are running around getting abortions when they find out the gender at 16, 17 or 18 weeks?

In MA an abortion can be performed for any reason up to 11w6d. At 12 weeks it can only be due to medical complications with the baby or mother. No abortions may be performed after 24 weeks unless the mother's life is in danger (mentally and physically).

And unless any of you on this board have been through an abortion you have no business judging the pp's friend.



Bri
Nick 07-03-2003
Eliana 09-20-2005

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  • pinkmountainflower

Geez people, she wasn't asking you to judge her friend, she was asking what she could do to help her friend and if she should go visit her. This wasn't even OP's decision, so stop with the anti-abortion crap already. None of the parties to that decision are here, nor were we asked our opinions on it.

OP: If I were you, I'd try to get a sitter. If not, call your friend and explain the situation. She will need your support for some time to come, so don't feel too badly if you can't get there immediately. I will keep your friend in my t&p. She has been faced with a decision I wouldn't wish on anyone. ((hugs))

Good Luck.

Heather

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  • JenniferL12
I believe there are states that allow it up to 27 or 28 weeks.

-Jennifer.

I live with those people........

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  • LivBaby26

You can flame me for not being a good friend, I have good friends and I am a loyal person BUT my friends have the same beliefs and feelings as I do. I have friends with SN's children, friends who have had abortions (not b/c of a SN's child). I just couldn't bring myself to continue that friendship b/c its not my belief. How ackward would it be for me to talk about how much progress my SN's child is making and what a blessing they are to someone who terminated their SN's child. It just wouldn't work out.

I am a very social person IRL and I have many close friends so think what you will.

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  • mi*vida*loca

And what state is this legal in? The fetus's sex organs don't develop until the 11-12 week mark and more than 50% of all abortions performed in the US are done at less than 8 weeks gestation. Do people really think that women are running around getting abortions when they find out the gender at 16, 17 or 18 weeks?

In MA an abortion can be performed for any reason up to 11w6d. At 12 weeks it can only be due to medical complications with the baby or mother. No abortions may be performed after 24 weeks unless the mother's life is in danger (mentally and physically).

And unless any of you on this board have been through an abortion you have no business judging the pp's friend.

Yes it's legal. People do it more often than we would like to think.

Even though MA it's not legal after 12 weeks they can just go to another state. I'm in NJ and abortions are legal up to 24 weeks for ANY reason.

Remember there are a lot of private places that do the US's for a fee. You pay the $100 and get the fun US and can find out then. Some ladies just wait until they have the US at 16-20 weeks and get it done then.


Nikki

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  • mi*vida*loca

I have lots of friends who have different beliefs, opinions and lives. It's what makes it fun. happy

I've had friends who were prochoice, prolife, anti war, for war, pro immigration, anti immigrations, etc.


Nikki

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  • JenniferL12

I have lots of friends who have different beliefs, opinions and lives. It's what makes it fun. happy

I've had friends who were prochoice, prolife, anti war, for war, pro immigration, anti immigrations, etc.

Exactly.

-Jennifer.

I live with those people........

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  • Florinna

OK, I'm not trying to pick on you, but I'm genuinely curious. You said you are against abortion and that all children conceived are part of God's plan. So how do you reconcile being friends with SOME people who had abortions and some who don't? What reasons are ok for abortion in your opinion? It seems to be a contradiction so I'm genuniely curious how you can be friends with some and not others.

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  • 4girls1ocky1ollie

Here in PA I believe it is 24wks for any reason.

My step mom works in an u/s dept. of a major local hospital. Every few months a pg women will go to the ER complaing of pain, so they send her to u/s, she will inquire about the gender, and leave. SM says a few people have come right out and said they plan to terminate because they don't want a boy/girl.

Jaime

mom to: Cloe(^I^) 11, Zoey 10, Piper 7, Oscar 5, Scout Phoebe 2 +

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  • Nat0117

Do people really think that women are running around getting abortions when they find out the gender at 16, 17 or 18 weeks?

Uh, yes, they do. Is it common? I don't know the stats, but I know of not one but TWO couples who made this choice.You can have an abortion in NY up to 24 weeks (and after if there are other risks involved) and with genetic testing becoming more readily available earlier in the gestational period, sex-selective abortions are happening.

This practice is more common in other part of the world, like China and India though.

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  • Ray'sMommy
How ackward (it's awkward, btw) would it be for me to talk about how much progress my SN's child is making and what a blessing they are to someone who terminated their SN's child. It just wouldn't work out.

A TRUE friend would realize that what is right for one family isn't always right for another family and that something like medical termination isn't going to change a person's being, a person's personality... A good friend doesn't JUDGE. It's not like she's suddenly this gross person, a pedophile or rapist or thief!! She's the same person who had to make a very difficult decision.

Once again, you can hide all you want under your "I'm religious" cloak, but in reality you're not all that religious, because like I said, Jesus wouldn't judge his friends (anyone) and wouldn't really approve of you doing so either. Think about it - and if you can convince me that Jesus/God would judge then dump a friend in this circumstance, then I will believe that you really are a religious person.


~ Joe The Plumber - Working 10-12 hours/day, 7 days/week
Not your Average Joe-Six Pack!!

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